


And looked down one as far as I could

by Unbreakable_Vow



Series: S3AH [1]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe - Non-Magical, Dream Sequence, F/M, Female Sirius Black, Non magic!AU, POV James Potter
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-04
Updated: 2020-06-04
Packaged: 2021-03-02 21:33:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,549
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24003634
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Unbreakable_Vow/pseuds/Unbreakable_Vow
Summary: The night before his wedding, James has a strange dream
Relationships: James Potter/Lily Evans Potter, Lily Evans Potter/Severus Snape, Mary Macdonald/James Potter, Sirius Black & Remus Lupin & Peter Pettigrew & James Potter
Series: S3AH [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1731058
Comments: 4
Kudos: 10
Collections: HP UnHappily Ever After Fest 2020





	And looked down one as far as I could

**Author's Note:**

> Girl, those notes will be long.
> 
> This story is the prequel of a verse that I’ve not yet written in english (only a few chapters in italian) called “Somewhere ages and ages hence” - S3AH for shorts. As you’ve probably already guessed, every story of this verse will have the title of a sentence from the famous poem The road not taken by Robert Lee Frost, because the main theme of the verse is that every characters has chosen (or can still choose) one of two different roads. 
> 
> To summarize it up, S3AH is a non magic!au where Lily is divorcing for James and hires lawyer!Severus (her ex best friend and first love) to finalize the divorce. It has a lot of side characters and a bit of world building, so expect that story to unfold in something a little more complicated than this. 
> 
> But that’s for later: right now this is just a prequel, set during the night before James and Lily’s wedding.
> 
> PS: for information about why fem!sirius’ name is Mirzam, please see https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Beta_Canis_Majoris. Same constellation as Sirius, it rises before Sirius in the sky? You can guess why I chose that name
> 
> PPS: english is not my first language and I haven't yet found a beta, so please forgive my broken english :)
> 
> Enjoy!

**And looked down one as far as I could**

James feels like he’s about to die.

It’s the first time that he has ever felt like this, and being a member of the Marauders that is saying something. But their adventures usually bring another kind of dying, the _real_ one, and this is something else entirely.

 _Even if I could very well die for this_ , he thinks sorrowfully, staring at Lily’s engagement ring - the one he had gave her, that had been in his family for generation and that his dad had proudly given to him when he’d announced he wanted to ask Lily to marry him - and letter in complete shock.

The shoebox on the floor sits open under his feet, looking almost like the legend of Pandora’s vase. James knows that Lily hasn’t opened it for years, and that yesterday night something must have compelled her to see her childhood memories: photos, letters and little trinkets of her life before James. Her life with _him_. 

_The first night we don’t sleep in the same bed in years, and that’s where she goes,_ he thinks bitterly _._ The awareness sits heavy on his tongue, and for a moment he feels a dizziness so strong that he has to put some of his weight to the mattress in order to not fall. 

_I’m sorry_ , LiLy has written in her letter, _but I can’t go on with the wedding. Not when my heart is not here._

There’s a part of him that had always knew that Lily had never stopped loving Snape. It was a part of him that in those years he’s desperately tried to hush, reassured by the love Lily professed to feel for him, and by the fact that Snape was gone, forever out of her reach. _He’s a bloody knight of Walpurgis,_ Lily used to say to him when he felt insecure about her love, _his kind is more prone to kill me than to love me, James. How could I feel something for someone like that?_

 _Because you did once,_ James’ mind always replied in his head even if not out loud, _for many years, when you were young. That kind of love isn’t one that can go away just like that._ He knew that very well, because it was the same love he had left for her since they were children.

He still remembers the day he met her, on their first day of school. He and Mirzam had decided to go to a normal school, not the posh one every TwentyEights children usually went - he still remembers fondly how Mirzam’s mother had protested, and how only her uncle Alphard had convinced Mrs Black to go along with her daughter’s wish - and on the threshold of the school he had seen, and completely fallen in love with, Lily Evans, red hair and fiery temper, arm in arm with greasy and mean Severus Snape.

(He knows now that the first impression he’d had of Severus Snape was probably colored by his jealousy, but at the time the only thing he knew was that the boys was no good)

He remembers vividly how his heart had seemed to combust with the want to be near her and be the one to make her laugh, to be the one she looked with love in her eyes. But he had realized very soon that she looked that way at her friend, and that the only way he had to won her over was to put in a bad light that boy.

It wasn’t a difficult thing to do, since Snape had such a bad personality and was such a loser that it was very easy to rile him up. Snape and Mirzam had disliked each other since the beginning, so it had been easy for James to drag her in his plans. It became more difficult once Remus and Peter joined their group, but usually they were happy to be left in the dark of what he and Mirzam did with Snape.

(There’s only one time that he really regretted what he and Mirzam were doing. He fortunately changed his mind at the last minute, but Snape was badly injured nevertheless, and Remus hasn’t been the same since. Even thinking about it now brings shame in his heart)

In the end, the truth about him, the ugly and dark side James knew existed in him all along, showed itself to everyone: Snape joined the Knights of Walpurgis, the secret organization that wanted to bring the TwentyEights to rule over everyone else in Hogwarts once again, like it had been in the past before the Founders’ Revolution. _It’s not like we TwentyEights are absurdly rich_ , James had always thought sarcastically, _and have a very easy life compared to anyone else. No, we want more. We want to return to the Middle Ages, as if that makes any sense at all._

The Knights were, and still are, brutal in their mission: they kill politicians, leading people for the community, and anyone who’s against their cause. Most of all, they kill anyone who doesn’t come from any of the TwentyEights families or other minor royalties and still succeeds in life, as if only them have the privilege to have something good in their life. 

When Snape joined them Lily was devastated: it was the end of their friendship, and many a night Lily had cried herself to sleep because of that. James remembers it all, because it was at that time and he and her really started being friends, and then lovers.

But all that time, James had felt that Lily was still in love with Severus. It didn’t matter how many times Lily told him otherwise, or how the other Marauders tried to persuade him that it was not so, James still had doubts and insecurities about Lily’s love for him.

And it seems that he was right.

 _I’ve spoken with him_ , Lily’s letter says, _and he’s not a Knight anymore. He’s changed, James. And I’ve realized that I still want him, even after all this years._

“How can you?” James asks aloud, pain mixing with grief and, most of all, anger. “He’s a murdered. _A murderer._ How can you love someone like that?”

Of course, Lily is not here to answer anymore. James had come here after waking up, expecting to find Lily still sleeping in the guestroom - _Stupid traditions, couldn’t she have slept with me, nothing would have happened and she would be still here -_ waiting for her maid of honor to wake her up and help her with the dress, hair and makeup. He had wanted to surprise her, with just a kiss and maybe something more if she felt up to it, but when he’d opened the door he’d found out that Lily and most of her things were not there anymore.

His legs give up, and he falls on the floor with tears already on his face. He tosses aside the letter Lily has written for him, the empty shoebox filled with her memorabilia with Severus Snape, and cries until he feels he has no other tears left.

That’s how Mirzam finds him, an hour later.

***

They had decided to marry at Potter Manor, his childhood home, so yesterday the house had been decorated for the celebration. 

James of course knows that, but still it comes as a shock when he and Mirzam go to the first floor and find it still decorated for the wedding. Lily had chosen the theme color, white and lavender, and there are bits of them everywhere: the white tulle and lavender decorations on every chair, the wonderful white archway of evy and dried lavender, even her dress (that James had not seen, and probably will never see now) is white with lavender embroidery.

 _How can I tell everyone that there’s no wedding anymore?_ James thinks desperately, gripping Mirzam’s hand for his life, when both of them are climbing down the stairs. _Mum’s side of the family is already coming here… Oh Merlin, mum and dad…_

They will be devastated, that’s for sure. They adore Lily, her intelligence and brilliance winning them over as fast as she had win his heart all those years ago. His father will take this especially hard, since he’s a chemistry as Lily, and they were planning to open a shop for homemade hygiene products with her friend and maid of honor, Pandora Lovegood. 

_How could I have messed it up so badly?_ James despairs, feeling new tears start to fall from his eyes, _that Lily chose to be with a murderer instead of me?_

“Oh no, none of that,” Mirzam says sternly to him as soon as she sees his tears, giving him her handkerchief from the breast pocket of her suit. “Don’t cry. She doesn’t deserve it. Do you hear me? C’mon, Prongs, you know she doesn’t.”

She makes him sit at the kitchen table and busies herself starting some breakfast for him - “You need to eat, I don’t care that you don’t want to, you look like shit” - and James tries to do as she says - bless her, his Mirzam, his sister in anything but blood, her best friend since they were mere toddlers - but he finds that he cannot. He has no force left to fight this heartbreak.

He’s thankful to Mirzam for not having said _I told you that girl was only trouble_ because he isn’t sure he would be able to hear it now, but oh boy, how much was she right _._ Because Mirzam had known since the beginning that Lily was not good for him, and has said much many time since he and Lily had got together. James had always felt a little hurt that her best friends didn’t like the love of his life, but now understand that she was right all along. 

(He feels ashamed of the time when, completely drunk, he had said mockingly to her _Are you jealous of Lily because you’re in love with me?_ He still remembers the look on Mirzam’s face, the betrayal he saw in her eyes, and how he’d feel like shit the second those words had left his mouth.

“Mum kicked me out because I’m a lesbian. Can I live here?” Mirzam had said knocking at Potter Manor at sixteen, completely drunk and with so much livids her skin looked only black and purple, and how could James ever forget how she suffered every time someone told her that a man would fix it, that it was just her being a rebel, how? How could he have said something so completely out of the truth and hurtful to the one person he was closer to in the whole world?

It took a long time for her to forgive him, and more time for him to forgive himself. He’s not sure he’s succeeded).

Mirzam was right, and James should have listened to her, maybe if he had done that he wouldn’t be in the situation he is right now, heartbroken and with a wedding in three hours to annul, without even knowing how to start.

_I have to call my parents, tell mum to call all her relatives, than Remus and Peter, than the rest of the Order, the catering, the photographer… what else? Think James, what else?_

He’s still despairing about it when someone knocks at the main door. He looks at Mirzam who just shrugs, and goes to open the door thinking _Maybe someone of the guests has already arrived._ He opens the door thinking about how to tell them that there’s no wedding anymore, but when his eyes sees who’s outside he feels his breath being taken away.

On the other side of the door, with a resolute expression, stands Mary Macdonald. “Can I come in?” she asks, and James feels so surprised that he just nods and gestures her inside, his mind breaking his circle of despair, spinning instead with new questions.

Mary was one of his classmates at school, the best friend of Marlene McKinnon - the first crush Mirzam has ever had, and the only one, in James’ book, worth of her attention. Her family had been one of the first to be targeted by the Knights when the girl was only fifteen, and when she had also been attacked in class by Mulciber - a friend of Snape, and hadn’t _that_ already told much about the man, even before he joined the Knights - they all had decided to leave Hogwarts and move to the near but completely different Beauxbatons, when the Knights had not had much following. Marlene’s family had soon followed their footstep, and James had been sad for Mirzam since that moment had broken their newly born relationship after months of pinning. 

He had not heard from her or Marlene since that time, and for sure he and Lily have not invited her at the wedding, so he doesn’t understand what Mary’s doing here in his house, dressed for a ceremony no less.

“Hi James,” she says, “is anyone home?”

“Only he and me,” answers Mirzam from the kitchen, her jacket gone, leaving here in only pinstriped trousers, braces and white shirt. James notes she’s also surprised, so he knows that Mirzam is not involved in any of that. “Mary, what’s up?”

“Not much. The bride?”

“Not here,” Mirzam says rapidly, and James is incredibly grateful for her, because even the mention of Lily right now feels like a stab on the chest, and he has to close his eyes to stop the tears that are already threatening to spill out his eyes.

“Good,” Mary says, then looks intensely at James, “because I need to talk to you. In private.”

“What’s going on Mary?” Mirzam asks, visibly annoyed by her mysterious attitude. “We don’t see you in years, and now all of a sudden you come here on his wedding day saying you need to talk to him without the bride? What the hell, woman?”

Mary gives her a sour look, but James is slowly regaining some foot, and speaks for the first time since Mary had entered his home. “Mirzam is right,” he says. “What’s with all this mystery?”

Mary looks between them uncertainty, then she just sighs and seems to resign herself. “You two were always joined at the hip,” she says. “Alright. Can I sit at least?”

James looks at Mirzam, who nods, and together they all go the the kitchen.

***

The tension in the room is so much that you could cut it with a knife.

Neither Mirzam nor Mary seems to be affected by it in the slightest, James observes. Mary had asked a pot of coffee, which Mirzam has provided and taken one herself, and now both women are seated in front of each other drinking it, without saying a word.

The image is striking: Mary, light blue sheath dress and bob light brown hair; and Mirzam, sharply dressed with long black hair grasped in a low ponytail. Looking like they’re just waiting for the right moment to jump at each other’s throat (Mirzam) or like they’re ready for an attack (Mary).

His breakfast, which Mirzam had insisted to make despite his objections, sits untouched on his plate. He felt like he couldn’t eat before, and for sure now the sentiment has not subsided: on the contrary, if possible it has grown exponentially since Mary had set foot in his house.

 _What the hell is going on in my life?_ he thinks upset. Until yesterday he had everything figured out: a house with his fiancee, a job, and a wedding to look forward to. Now he feels like everything’s crumbled under his feet, like nothing makes sense anymore and he’s desperately trying not to fall.

And now Mary, who’s come into his house after years of silence and wants to tell him something, but that has still not said a word.

“Alright, that’s enough,” he says angry, his stomach turning itself. “This silence is making everyone nervous. Mary, you wanted to talk, then talk.”

Mary gulps, visibly nervous: _Whatever she’s come here to say,_ James thinks, _it mustn't be good._

“Ok, first of all, I’m sorry to barge here unannounced on your wedding day,” she says addressing him. “I’ve debated with myself for a very long time before coming here. In the end, I’ve decided that you should know, regardless of the consequences.”

“Know what?” Mirzam says exasperated, a sentiment that James feels himself.

“I’m getting there,” Mary replies sourly, “give me a minute. As I was saying… we haven’t heard for each other for years, but I have a very fond memories of you. Even you, Mirzam, even if you’re acting like an ass now.”

Mirzam starts to reply, visibly angry, when James stops her with his hand. “Not now, please. Mary, continue”

“Ok… the point is that I’ve known for some time now, but I wasn’t sure that it was my place to tell or not. But I couldn’t just let you go on with the wedding without you knowing, even if you probably would feel better with a lie.”

James waits, feeling his insides shrink. He has a feeling that he knows what’s going to happen, and judging by Mirzam’s expression, she probably has it too.

“Lily doesn’t love you,” it’s what Mary says in the end, and James, even if Lily had told that herself in the letter, feels a stab of pain hearing it said out loud, from someone else, someone who has not see them in many years and that, inexplicably, knows it too.

 _Everyone knew, even_ **_you_ ** _did,_ James chastised himself, _only you wanted to cover your own eyes from the truth._

“And how could you possibly know that?” Mirzam asks, her voice barely a whisper.

“Marlene told me,” Mary answers, “she gave me the letters Lily wrote her.”

“Lily wrote her _what?_ ” James asks, at the same time that Mirzam asks “Marlene and Lily are still friends?” 

The two best friends look at each other. _Lily has betrayed us,_ James thinks, _both of us. She knew how much Marlene meant to Mirzam in the past. Why hadn’t she said anything of their friendship?_

“They’ve started writing to each other since last year,” Mary says, answering Mirzam’s question. “And she wrote to Marlene that she doesn’t love you, James. That she cares about you but that’s she doesn’t feel anything else. That she doesn’t know how to tell you since you’ve given her everything, and love her so much”

James feels his world crashing down. Lily had not realized she didn’t love him yesterday, looking at she shoebox... _She already knew that before,_ he thinks desperately, _and she lied this whole time. Had everything been a lie from the start? Had she ever love me at all?_

“I’m sorry,” Mary says with a sad expression. “I really am. I know it’s not something a man wants to hear on his wedding day. As I’ve said before, I’ve been torn for a long time before coming here. But I couldn’t in good conscience let it go without at least telling you.”

Mary is speaking, but James doesn’t register anything else: his mind is to occupied replying everything Mary has already said incessantly. _Lily doesn’t love you. She doesn’t know how to tell you._

 _She found a way yesterday, didn’t she?_ James thinks sourly. Yesterday night something must have given her a push to do something she had wanted to do for a long time. _Probably the prospect of a lifetime with me,_ James thinks, and the thought makes him want to vomit and cry at the same time.

Another thought, more intrusive that the others, finds his way in his mind: for how long she had known that Snape was not a Knight? Has she found out that yesterday? or before that? Had she waited for Snape to do something - like tell her, kiss her, _love_ her _-_ before leaving James for good? Has she all this time imagined that he was Snape when he made love with her, brought a house with her, asked her to marry him? _Had she cried that night, after saying yes to me, because she would become Lily Potter and not Lily Snape?_

“James!” Mirzam yells, taking back James to the present, and he sees that both her and Mary have come close to him and are looking at him sadly. 

He also realizes, with a deep shame, that he’s crying, something that he should never do in front of a stranger like Mary.

 _I have to go._ “If you can excuse me,” James stands up rapidly, “I’ll be back. Padfoot, tell her everything, would you?”

“Are you sure?” Mirzam says, looking sideways at Mary. “You want me to come with you?”

“No no,” James says flying from the room, at the same time that he hears Mary asking _Tell me what?_

He runs up to his room, almost tripping in his haste to reach it, and closes the door behind him. His wedding suit is hanged by the closet door, ready to be worn for a wedding that will never happen -

( _Lily will want to have you out of that suit as soon as you say I do,_ Peter had told him the first time he had shown the suit to the Marauders. _I’ll make sure to cover Remus and Mirzam’s eyes if that’s the case._

Mirzam and Remus had been indignant, and James had laugh, unaware as he was of how wrong Peter’s prediction would be _)_

\- and in which he should have never be hoped in the first place.

He finds himself without the energy to even have an outburst: he just sits on the floor, defeated, and cries again.

***

Mary finds him some time later - not much, James thinks, because none of the guests has arrived yet. She knocks on the door and doesn’t wait for him to talk: she enters, notices him on the floor, and sits right by him.

James is only partially aware of it: he feels numb, empty, and incredibly alone. He knows that he’s got many friends and a good family, but with Lily he felt like he had found the other part of himself, the one true love from fairy tales that his mother used to read to him as a child - and, more recently, the one his new neighborhood Judge Dumbledore had told them to have sadly lost a long time ago.

 _Merlin, the house,_ James thinks, remembering just now the new house he and Lily had brought on Godric’s Hollow and in which they’d lived for the last few months. _What should I do with it? I don’t want to live here, to be reminded of Lily in every corner -_

“James?” Mary speaks, fortunately interrupting his train of thoughts. Her hand touches his arm briefly, and James uses that brief contact to center himself.

“I’m sorry,” he says, “Did… did Mirzam tell you?”

“Yes,” she sighs, “it seems like my visit was not necessary after all.”

“No, I… I needed to know. If Lily had decided only yesterday to leave me, maybe I would have tried to convince her to turn back. Now… now I know it’s been on her mind for a long time.” _Probably since the beginning._

Mary nods, and James, tired, puts his head on her shoulder. He doesn’t know if Mary’ll be surprised by this: James has always been a very tactile person, preferring more a hug or a practical favour than words when he was sad, but he and Mary had never been close at school, and James doesn’t think they had even some sort of physical contact. But he can’t be bothered to check, and after a few minutes in which Mary has not put his head away, he guesses that she’s fine with it.

“Where’s Mirzam?” he asks, having expected more her best friends to be up with him instead of Mary.

“She’s calling Lupin and Pettigrew I think,” Mary says, “and also your parents. I think she’s taking care of everything.”

James makes an affirmative sound, thanking Merlin that Mirzam exists, then sighs and close his eyes. He doesn’t want to think, doesn’t want to _feel,_ he just wants to close his eyes and forget the last few years of his life.

He doesn’t know how much time has passed since they’ve been silent, but it couldn’t have been more than a few minutes, before Mary says “Can I tell you something?”

James opens his eyes, lift his head and looks at Mary. She’s visibly nervous. “Please, tell me it’s not another bad news.”

“Ah, no, no it isn’t. It’s just… it pains me to see you like this.”

James raises his eyebrows, surprised. Mary must have noticed his surprise, because she speaks again. “I mean, I know we don’t really know each other anymore, and we weren’t that close at school, but I’ve always admired you. Your optimism, your self-confidence, even your recklessness. I remember you as always having a smile on your face, all bravado and intelligence; never sad, never angry at anything. I remember thinking that I wanted to be more like you.”

Those words shock James to the core. He hadn’t… he had received many compliments in his life, but never like this. Mary’s words are full of such awe that James feels at the same time too embarrassed to accept them and incredibly proud to hear. Had really Mary thought so high of him when they were in school? How could he have not noticed it at the time?

“You… you thought that?” he asks, his voice not more than a whisper.

“Of course I did,” Mary laughs. Then adds, almost depricabily “I had such a huge crush on you, you have no idea. You were just so… so much. There was so much _goodness_ in you. I don’t understand how Lily can choose _Snape_ when she has you.”

 _She had a crush on me?_ James wonders, feeling like his world is going upside down once again. _How’s that possible that I didn’t know?_

He knew, at the time, that he had many admirers. He was well aware, and often took advantage on it, flirting shamelessly with the cute ones in order to make Lily jealous - which, of course, never worked. But Mary had always be friendly but distant, never tried to make a move on him, not even once - not that it would have worked, because his heart belonged to Lily, and maybe that’s why she never did, because her feelings ran too deep to have her heart crushed when he, after a few innuendos, would inevitably return to pining for Lily.

 _Have I really been so blind?_ he thinks, looking at Mary and asking “You… you did?”

“Yes,” she says, looking at the carpet. “But you never noticed me. You had eyes only for Lily. You always have.”

And for the first time in his life, in a moment that feels monumental, James thinks about what would have his life be like if he had never crossed path with Lily, or, at least, if he had not fallen in love with her.

He would have noticed Mary, he’s sure of it. Mary was, and still is, gorgeous: her light brown hair (now short, but when they were at school very long), clear blue eyes and fair skin were enough to caught the attention of even a monk such as Remus, and Peter had more than once commented on her beauty in _other_ areas of her body. 

James had not once give her any attention because his thoughts were always full of Lily, but had not her being in the equation, James would have tried to ask Mary out: knowing what he knows now, that Mary had had a crush on him, she would have accepted, and maybe that could have been a start of something…

 _Lily has taken so much from me,_ James thinks, _but she won’t take this._ He looks at Mary and sees a beautiful woman, one that has come in a city that had only bad memories for her, and in house of almost strangers, to do the right thing, even if she could have been vilified or worse, and without any personal profit.

A brave and righteous woman.

“Do you still feel that way?” he asks, even if he’s pretty sure he knows the answer: now that he’s paying attention to it, Mary’s body language and the way she’s evading his eyes are answers enough.

Mary looks up, a shocked expression on her face. “What? Uhm,” she says, “well, I don’t know what kind of person you’ve become, but I confess that I still feel a lingering crush… but you don’t have to worry, it’s fine, I know you’re in love with Lily -”

“Screw Lily!” James snarks, “she’s always lied to me. She doesn’t deserve me. I’ve been blinded by her, when I have a beautiful woman by my side… And I want to be reckless.”

 _It’s madness,_ a voice in his mind says, but James has never been one to listen to reason. He looks Mary in the eyes and asks “What about you? You’re up for a bit of recklessness?”

Mary’s looking at him like he’s grown a second head, which, ok, it’s pretty fair considering what he’s thinking about. “What do you mean?”

James grins mischievously, and here, seated on the carpet, asks the question.

***

“YOU DID WHAT??”

James stares at Mirzam, Mary, Peter and Remus, and wonders how everything had gone so wrong in a matter of minutes.

He’d asked Mary to marry him. Mary had look at him completely shocked, and had, inexplicably, fled from the room. James had been shocked, hurt, and had followed her demanding an explanation, here on the first floor, when in the meantime Remus and Peter had arrived and were talking to Mirzam, probably about him. They’ve all looked at each other, in a moment of silence, before Mary had blurted out “James asked me to marry him.” After that, chaos had erupted.

“Have you lost your fucking mind??” Mirzam is carrying on, when James and Peter look at him like they can’t believe he really did that. “Are you insane??”

“I’m not!” James answers indignant, “what the fuck? Why are you making a scene?”

 _“I_ am the one making a scene? You’re asking Mary to marry you! What the fuck? Where did all of this came from?”

“From everything!” James shouts. “Lily’s a bitch, has always been, and with her fucking influence over me I couldn’t see what was right in front of my eyes!”

The more he thinks about that, the more it makes sense to him. He’s been too occupied with Lily to really notice everything else, but Mary was the perfect woman for him: in all his memories she’s always been honest and authentic, to not mention hot as hell, and she still has feelings for him after all this time. 

_I don’t want to waste one more second of my life thinking about Lily,_ he thinks stubbornly, _and I want to get back all the time that I’ve wasted on her._

That’s why he wants to marry Mary: he’s sure that, had not Lily interfered, they would have been already married by now, and the idea that she had made him lost precious years with Mary makes his blood boil with rage.

“James, calm down,” Remus says, always the more calm of the Marauders - even Peter, usually a pretty chill person, has his moments of pure rage. “You’re not making any sense. Please explain to us everything you’re thinking.”

But how can he do that, when he feels his mind still spinning? When everything is at the same time so clear and so confused?

He doesn’t know, but he trusts Remus completely, so he nods, and all five of them sits in the kitchen while Remus prepares a spot of tea for everyone.

After drinking his tea James feels a bit calmer, even if not less determined, and explains as much as he can his thoughts and ideas. He notices that Mary’s looking at him with a mix of apprehension and tenderness, and James feels genuinely happy seeing how much she cares for him. That he can feel happiness in this moment, more than everything, tells him he’s making the right choice.

“Prongs, I get it,” Peter comments after he’s finished his speech, “you want to get back the time you lost, you think Mary is the one, yadda yadda. But a marriage? Surely a period of knowing each other a bit more would be better at first?”

“Since you don’t fucking know anything about her!” adds Mirzam from the other side of the table, and James shots her a dirty look.

“I know enough to know that she’s fantastic,” he says, “I don’t need anything else.”

“James, think about it,” tries to placate Remus, “you’re still hurting from Lily’s abandonment, you’re not thinking straight.”

“I told you, I don’t want to waste another second thinking about that bitch. I know Mary is the right woman for me. Look, I really appreciate your support, but I know what’s right for me, and Mary is. I would really love to have you with me in a moment like this.”

“James…” Remus and Mary say at the same time, and Remus signs to Mary to continue her speech.

“James, your friends are right, we don’t really know each other anymore. I’ve known a bit about you from Lily’s letter, but I’m virtually a stranger to you. You don’t know anything about me.”

“Then tell me!” James pleads. “If that’s the problem than tell me. Please,” he adds, seeing a conflict expression on her face.

Mary looks at him, then at the other Marauders, and with a sigh starts her story. James listens avidly, as do the others, and the words Mary’s saying describe a girl who’s been forced to flee his home after the Knights had targeted her family - he confirms his suspicious that Mulciber had tried to rape her, and wants to choke the bastard with his bare hands - and that had flourished in Beauxbatons. A woman that had not let that bad experience consume her, but that instead had focused her energy to help more people like her, becoming first a master at self-defense, and then opening a school to teach it to others. A woman who’s had one best friend, Marlene - James looks at Mirzam and sees her hands clench - but no important lovers, because _no one really caught my attention for more than a few months._

A woman that, in the end, says _the only man I’ve ever been interested is James. The only one I’ve ever felt love._

James feels his heart skip a beat at those last few words. Can he says that he loves Mary? He can’t, but he wants to: he wants to love Mary as much as he loves Lily, more than that, and wants a future with this compassionate woman who was already trying to make his world better even before knowing that Lily had left him.

“...wow,” it’s Peter’s comment after the speech. “You’re for sure still smitten with him.”

Mary doesn’t answer, but her flushing face speaks for her.

“I still don’t think that’s a good idea,” Remus says, “but your words have... assuaged me, somehow. You could have chosen worst, Prongs.”

“I agree,” says Peter. “A bit reckless, but you’ve always been like that.”

“Padfoot?” James asks in the end, because he needs all his friend’s support, and doesn’t want to fight with Mirzam on the most important thing in his life. 

Mirzam doesn’t answer him: she looks straight at Mary. “We’ll always be close with James, we four. Choosing him means choose each one of us. He has a big heart, but he’s stubborn, and often will drive you crazy. Most important of all, he’s already suffered enough, so you must never break his heart. Do you agree?”

Mary swallows, looks at Mirzam directly, and then says “Yes”. James feels like he’s about to faint.

Mirzam nods, then looks at him, her face full of mirth for the first time that day. “Only you can marry a woman you’ve just met,” she says laughing. Even Remus cracks a smile, probably finding the situation hilarious.

“On the bright side,” chirps Peter, “the food won’t go to waste. Good thinking, Prongs”

“Hold on all of you,” James says, “she hasn’t says yes yet.”

She looks at Mary, hopeful and scared at the same time, because _This is it. She could destroy me with only a word._

Mary’s looking intently at him, at first with wonder, then, after a few moments, with a full smirk.

“Why don’t you ask me again?” she says sardonic, and Merlin, James might not being in love with her, but he’s already smitten. “Properly, this time. Maybe with a ring?”

***

The Marauders all come to hug him, scream in his ears and put his hair more into disarray after it, but James doesn’t care, because Mary has said _Yes_ and that’s the only thing he can think about.

After that it’s a blur of activities.

Mirzam had contacted everyone already, and after making new calls saying _Yes, there’s still a wedding, sorry for the inconvenience,_ they decide to put the wedding on the evening, in order to give everyone time to turn back and also to Mary’s parents and friends time to come to Hogwarts from Beauxbatons.

(The conversation with his future in-laws had been an experience, to say the least, and Mirzam and Peter had laughed their ass off when James was trying to explain to them _Who the hell is this boy our daughter has decided to marry all of a sudden?_

His parents, on the other hand, had been wary, and it had been Remus job to assure them that James had not, in fact, lost his mind, but that he was following his heart, even if the decision had been a spur of the moment.

James had been grateful for him, and also for Mirzam and Peter, for having taken the situation out of his hand since that morning. Where would he be without them, he has literally no idea.)

Mary’s dress, which James had not thought about until his mother points it out, turns out to not been a problem at all, since Mary says that she doesn’t like wedding dress very much, and that she’s more than happy to marry in her current dress. _It’s already fancy for my tastes, since I’m usually a jeans and t-shirt kind of girl,_ she tells James’ mom, and James feels more in love with her by the second - plus the dress she’s wearing looks gorgeous on her, making her blue eyes pop very much, and her hair appear almost honey blond.

Everyone gives the new couple a bit of privacy after that, and so most of the time before the wedding is spent by he and Mary talking about themselves, to make arrangements for the future, and for snogging - because he for sure doesn’t want to kiss his future wife for the first time in front of the altar. Her kiss leave him craving for more, but with all those people in the house it would be too dangerous trying to have sex, so they decide to wait after the wedding.

Peter appoints to himself the job to explain to everyone the situation about Lily/Mary, in order to not upset James, and James finds out only after having gone to the kitchen for a glass of water, when Mirzam points at Peter explaining to his aunt Dorea and uncle Charlus the change of the bride. Had it been any other moment James would have stayed and laughed at the scene, but his future wife is waiting for him on his room for the last session of snogging so he hurries up, making Mirzam promise him to tell him everything after the wedding.

Marlene’s arrive makes Mirzam anxious and eager at the same time, and everytime James looks at her she’s following Marlene with her eyes, almost devouring her.

James makes a mental note to try to make them talk at the wedding as much as possible, going so far to engage Peter’s help with his plan. He decides to not involve Remus in this, since he doesn’t know if the man has still lingering feelings for Mirzam that would, for obvious reasons, never be reciprocated.

Half an hour before the wedding, and after not having answered her phone for most of the day, Pandora Lovegood calls James, telling him that he and Xenophilius are honoured to be still invited to the wedding even if they are more Lily’s friends than his, but that they have decided to decline. _I wouldn’t feel comfortable,_ Pandora says, _to be there, when I was Lily’s maid of honor._

James is tempted to ask about Lily, where she’s now, if she’s with Snape and if she knows about his wedding. Only Mary’s hand in his, the awareness that he’s trying to turn the page with her, and not let thoughts of Lily poison his mind, stops him for inquiring after her. Closing the call, James feels extremely grateful for Pandora’s decision - for he knows that the decision was taken more for his sake than theirs, the Lovegood never being people uncomfortable in many situations - and even more certain that he’s making the right choice.

Before he even knows it, and at the same after an excruciatingly long wait, it’s time for the wedding, and James cries both when he sees Mary coming towards him, and when Mary says _I do_ with eyes full of love. _I’ve never been so happy,_ he thinks at that moment, with the woman he’s starting to love and all his friends and family near him, cheering for him.

“This morning I thought Prongs’ life was over,” Mirzam says in her best woman speech, “but I couldn’t have been more wrong. Looking at you, you’re so happy, you’re practically disgusting.” They all laugh, and Remus puts his face in his hand in second-hand embarrassment. “You’ve made the right choice, Prongs. Impulsive, mad, so in one word: you. Mary, you’ve been a surprise, but a good one. Cheers!”

After that they eat, and James feels so happy that he thinks that his heart is going to combust.

“What are you thinking?” Mary, his _wife_ , asks him, and James cracks a smile. 

“That everything is too good to be true,” he says truthfully. “What’s the catch?”

“No catch,” she laughs, “maybe a bit of a pain trying to work our job and locations.”

“We’ll think about it later,” he dismisses with a wave of his hands. “Right now it’s just you and me.”

“I would have never believed it, had anyone told me this morning that by night I would be your wife,” Mary says. “What were the odds of that?”

“I’m very glad you decided to come today,” he says quietly.

“I’m glad too.”

They share a brief kiss, but full of meaning, and before they know it they’re being dragged to the floor for their first dance as husband and wife.

They sway gently to the music, not talking, just enjoying each other’s company. After a while other couples come to the dance floor, and James sees Mirzam and Marlene moving their first tentative steps together. He smirks at the thought before giving all of his attention to his wife.

“Do you know how I feel?”

“Ridiculously happy?” Mary says, clinging more to him. Merlin, have her in his arms feels like heaven. 

“Exactly,” he answers. “I can’t describe it. It’s… it’s so much.”

“Eloquent, James,” Mary jokes, and James gives her a pinch on her side for her chechiness. 

“Very funny,” he deadpans. “Sorry you didn’t marry a poet.”

“Uh, someone’s offended,” Mary laughs. “I’m sorry, my dear husband.”

James snorts, and tightens Mary more close to him.

“Alright, I’ll elaborate. It feels… Merlin, it like I’m dreaming,” he says in the end.

And when he says it, he knows it to be true.

***

He wakes up with a bucket of water on the face, and Mirzam’s bemused expression. Behind her, Remus and Peter are trying - and failing - not to laugh.

“Sorry Prongs, but you were making some strange sounds in your sleep,” Mirzam says mockingly. “I thought maybe water would turn off your steam.”

“Forgive us,” says Remus behind her, putting Mirzam behind him, ignoring her protests. “We wanted to wake you, but Mirzam got here first and was already there with the bucket.”

“Plus, you were making _really_ strange sounds,” Peter adds, “I was afraid you would squeeze me had I decided to come near you.”

“Love is in the aiiiiiir for Prongs,” sing-songs Mirzam, “were you thinking about you and Lily making some Prongslet? Save it for the honeymoon.”

The other Marauders continue to joke, but James’ mind, that has been for the most part confused as to where he is, worries at the word _Lily._

_Lily? What’s going on?_

“Where’s Mary?” he asks, disoriented, trying to put himself in a seated position. _Where’s my wife? Why she’s not here?_

“...Mary?” Peter asks. “Do you mean Lily?”

“No, I mean Mary! Why would I mean Lily? I don’t care where she is!”

He’s not 100% conscious, but it seems to him that his friends are looking at each other perplexed.

“James,” Remus asks, “who’s Mary?”

“My wife Moony, who else?” he says annoyed. “Mary MacDonald. Seriously? Have you already forgotten? I married her yesterday.”

He tries to go up, but as soon as he’s off the bed he feels the world spinning, and collapses again on the bed thinking _Wow, I don’t remember drinking this much at the reception yesterday._

Mirzam is beside him in a second, and there’s a strange note in her voice. “Prongs, are you still drunk?”

“I don’t know, maybe? Merlin guys, why did you let me drink so much at my wedding? Mary’s going to think I’m an alcoholic or something.”

“Ooook, I think it’s time for you cure this hangover before words like that go out of this room,” Mirzam says, helping him sit on the bed again. “Moony, make some tea, would you? And a bit of water. Wormtail, something to eat, maybe see if you can find an aspirin? Do you feel an headache?” she asks the last part to James, who nods. “Ok, also the aspirin. Let’s be quick guys, we don’t have much time.”

James closes his eyes, feeling the world spinning again, and it’s only where he’s eaten and drank and taken the medicine that everything finally starts to come into place.

“Mary… I dreamed it, didn’t I?”

“Yep,” Mirzam says, giving him another glass of water. Remus and Peter are near her, seated on the bed. “For some reason you dreamed you were marrying her instead of Lily.”

“She… she had left… for Snape…” James says, “and Mary… ”

Peter looks at him with pity. “That has always been your fear. But she’s here, James, don’t worry.”

 _She didn’t go with Snape,_ James thinks, and feels a bit of nausea trying to take control of him again.

He fights it as much as he can, when asking “What happened last night?”, trying to understand where his dream had come from.

It’s been his bachelor night, he remembers that much. He remembers going to the Hog’s Head with the others, drinking way too much, and nothing more than that.

No, that’s not right, he also remembers -

“We’ve met Mary,” Remus says, “that’s probably why you dreamed her. I thought you were too drunk to remember, but probably not. She seemed very happy to meet us, and congratulated you on your marriage.”

\- Mary, with the same dress she had dreamed, telling them about her life after having gone away from Hogwarts. Mary looking at him in a strange way, like she was torn about telling him something, reminescenting their days at school, and what a strange coincidence it had been to meet them that night. He remembers her telling them that she still lived in Beauxbatons, that she was in Hogwarts only in passing, and that she would be happy to meet them all again some other time, when she was in Hogwarts again.

 _Oh Merlin,_ he thinks, _I made all that up. Nothing of it was true._ He knows that he should be happy - Lily, the love of his life, is still here, and loves him - but, complicit the nausea that he’s still fighting, he feels like he’s about to cry.

After a moment, it becomes too much. He starts crying, and immediately the other Marauders are here with him, but he can’t seem to stop the feeling of _wrong, wrong, wrong_ that he feels inside, the one voice in him that tells him that he should return to the dream, that he was happy here, and that with Lily he will never be as happy.

It stays with him even after having sobered up, during the preparation and everything: apparently it was late, later than he thought, and between putting on his suit and receiving guest and last minute adjustments, the time comes for the ceremony to commence. A shadow of it lingers even in the most joyful moment, when Lily comes to him at the altar with that beautiful dress: she’s shining with joy, and James feels an idiot for comparing what he felt in his dream to what he feels now, because _that’s_ real, that’s what he’s dreamed for since he was a child looking the first time at Lily Evans, and he can’t let some stupid dreams born from his drunken mind ruin a moment so important.

“What are you thinking?” Lily asks him later, when they’re dancing the first dance as a married couple, after all that parts of the wedding he had enjoyed immensely in his dream, but that here had felt more like a burden than everything.

 _About Mary_ would be the truth, and about why marrying her has sounded so right in his drunken mind. Maybe because she had seemed so kind, determined, brave; maybe because she didn’t carry with her the ghost of an ex-love so big that it always felt like a third presence in their relationship; maybe because he had imagined her eyes full of love, where when he looked at Lily most of the time he wondered if he only saw his love reflected in her eyes.

Maybe because, for the first time in his life, he had opened his mind to the possibility to fall in love with someone who’s not Lily.

“About everything,” he says in the end, and Lily laughs, puts her head on his shoulder, and continues to dance with a smile on her face.

James looks at her, at her beautiful wife, and decides that it doesn’t matter, that his mind is only trying to play a trick on him, that he should just let it go and enjoy his new life with Lily Potter.

  
  
  


It’s only after a few years that he will understand that his mind was right all along.

  
  



End file.
